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Why can’t people be as Good as Me? Why do they have to be Better?! 
I see a lot of Microsoft bashing going on all over the internet. It seems like people just love to criticize Microsoft! And if you are amongst those atheists, I urge you to read this article!
- START.
When the student is ready, the master appears.
~ Buddhist Proverb
It may come as a shock to you, but it is a fact! There has not been a greater Spiritual Teacher than Bill Gates. The Man is a Messiah, or rather an upgraded version of Buddha (with an X-factor of course!). Name one messiah who was a poster-boy! Not one! Then came Bill Gates…
When Bill Gates came to Earth, the Angels in the Heaven sang –
Here comes your Saviour!
Dear fellow men rejoice!!
Whether you like him or not
You simply have no choice!!!
When Bill roamed around the Earth in the 20th century A.D., he realized the World is moving in the wrong direction than what Bill’s father Mr. God had expected. Worst, the world was moving towards Hell at the “Speed of Thought”! It was then when Bill told himself –
“This World needs a new Teacher!”
But it was not that easy. Bill knew there were already surplus production of scriptures – people were bored of them. They would not opt for another one even if he himself decides to write it for them. So Bill decided, why not give the people of earth a practical lesson that none will be able to obviate. And thus on the seventh day of his journey, Bill went to the highest peak of Himalayas and said –
“Let there be a Teacher” … and there was Microsoft™
Microsoft was carefully, elegantly, meticulously, artfully and deliberately designed to be what it is today! Microsoft possesses all the important traits of an ideal Teacher. Like an ideal Teacher Microsoft is a true skeptic. He does not accept anything that is not logical! At the same time not everything He does can be understood from a social psycho-logical approach. Some of his most divine teachings are simply beyond logic!
Like the Tao says –
“A true Teacher will always Self-contradict!”
Microsoft’s contribution to this world is absolutely unsurpassable! For the good of his people Microsoft shared his wisdom with the world, for a very reasonably tangible fee. That too only if you want a licensed version!
Microsoft Teachings is called as the Four Noble Truth (patent applied for…)
- Life means suffering. – Any approach (Operating System) you take towards Life, Suffering is inevitable.
- The origin of suffering is attachment. – Attachment is the outcome of Expectation. Do not expect anything from Life (Operating System). Be detached! Accept what is happening to you without cribbing!
- The cessation of suffering is attainable. - When you whole-heartedly accept what is happening to you and no longer complain. Then by applying the inverse theory, there is no Suffering (theoretically of course!)
- The path to the cessation of suffering. – Self-Improvement (upgradation) is the path to end the Suffering! At least you won’t have to go through the same trauma. There will be a new one with each new version. Remember! Suffering is inevitable!
Microsoft is such a kind-hearted teacher, that looking at the low global ignorance level it resorted to spoon-feeding!
To help the intellectually-challenged generation of ours, Microsoft gave us the Noble Eightfold Path, a blue-print to guide us on how to live Life!
There are eight elements in the Noble Eightfold Path (patent applied for…)
- Wisdom (Sanskrit: prajñā, Pāli: paññā)
- Right Vision - Preferably go for 21” LCD TFT Monitor from Microsoft certified partners only.
- Right Approach - Always keep the customer support’s contact details in your pocket!
- Right Prayers - Be very clear in what you want the Microsoft to do. He won’t entertain illogical requests that put unwanted loads the Operating System.
- Right Task - Don’t use MS Word™ when you can do with a Notepad! Keep your tasks simple!
- Right Maintenance – Follow a discipline of updating your system on yearly basis!
- Right Attitude – Be ready for anything – even if you are forced to do things manually, don’t complain!
- Right Knowledge – When in doubt, press F1
- Right Memory – Forget the past as soon as possible. It may spoil your mood forever!
Ethical conduct (Sanskrit: śīla, Pāli: sīla)
Mental discipline (Sanskrit and Pāli: samādhi)
Microsoft has not just given the world, these pearls of wisdom but also blessed us with the power to overcome all sufferings! Being a kind-hearted teacher, Microsoft knew not all students will be able to handle the torture, and therefore he has given each one of us the power to end the suffering and begin with the lessons again whenever we are ready!
All we need to do is – Restart!
- END.
-| Goofy Saint (official spokesperson for Microsoft’s Windows!)
Note: Please ignore the speling and gramaar eror as the ‘SpellCheck’ was not working at the time of writing!
Being friends with a Police officer is not a desirable thing. And if you happen to be so, I would advice you to avoid them in the post-duty hours. It is when they actually expect to find a friend who could pay for their Beers, while uncomplainingly listening to their day’s saga. Throughout the day they take so much shit inside that end of the day they get this uncontrollable craving to fart on some one’s face.
My friend Billy used to do this to me! The cop job routine compelled him to meet me everyday. Not because I was good at listening, but I had deeper pockets. And cops have a way to find jerks with deeper pockets. So it was routine. We used to meet everyday and I used to be bogged down with inconceivable true stories…
I was the only source of solace to my friend. Or may be it was the Beer! But he used to find it comforting. He was not up for the job. It was never his cup of tea.
He wanted to be a Ballet Dancer!
But he had a father, who like most fathers forced his son to do what he couldn’t do in his own life. Come to think of it, I find it absolutely ridiculous. This attitude of parents, that makes them think they are Gods!
They say this often – “I created you. I have the right to destroy you.”
It is the same thing I don’t like about the psycho in the Heaven! He thinks the can play around with other people’s life! And now, his so called representatives on earth (who by the way are not democratically elected as representatives) behave the same way!
These parents just think they have the right to toy with their children’s life. So was the case with Billy’s father, Mr. Willy.
He wanted his son to join the Army. Now, who in the right mind would want to join Army? There’s no future in army. Rather your future is doomed. And for what, to protect a nation willingly disposing itself to neighbours. When we are allowing this to happen, why do we need the Army? To serve as Watchmen – so they could run and open the countries gate and let the neighbour’s battle tanks enter the LOC and salute them as they invade the nation.
Worst of all, you spend your entire life on discipline, learning thousand survival skills and one aimed bullet nullifies everything in a fraction of second.
So me and Billy hated the army job for the reasons mentioned above. The fact that we would miss the college and the girls didn’t even cross our mind. We were just twelve then.
So one evening, in our favourite hangout place, Billy came to me and told me about his father’s unreasonable expectation. I did my best to do what friends were meant to do in such situation.
Billy: Guess What, My Don wants me to join Army?
Me: These Dons! They think we are puppets in their hands…
Billy: I told him I want to be Ballet Dancer! That’s when he lost his cool. Since I was within the reach of his slap, I was forced to keep my cool.
Me: I understand, at this stage we are financially dependant on them. We can’t openly revolt against them. They are supper powers and we are starving nations. They can take us out anytime. I think you need to handle this strategically.
Billy: But How?
Me: He wants you to be in Army, right?
Billy: Yes!
Me: Then we will do what the army does – Peace Negotiation!
Billy: What kinda negotiation.
Me: hmm… You my dear friend will have to give up on your dream, at least for couple of years till your Don is alive. This you will do to keep yourself alive, because Army is a one way route to death.
Billy: So what should I do?
Me: Remember the mantra – Piss Him, but don’t get pissed yourself! Father’s become weak when they realize that their sons are not scared of them anymore. So even if you wet your pants, don’t let the fear reach your face. Hold it in your trouser itself.
Billy: hmm…
Me: …Stay adamant on learning Ballet and he will force you to join Army. Till he realises that he will have to compromise on the issue.
Billy: What if it doesn’t work?
Me: Pull out the Ace, the supreme power that rules over the super power!
Billy: Yeah, Mom!
Motivated, Billy went home to fight his life’s most crucial battle. At Home, India had lost another battle to Pakistan. Mr. Willy had all the more reason to be patriotic.
Billy: Sir, We need to talk?
Mr. Willy: No, I need to talk. You just listen. You are joining the army. And that’s final.
Billy: No Sir, I beg to differ. I can’t join the Army.
Mr. Willy: And why is that?
Billy: For the simple reason, Sir, if it was your desire – you should have joined. I will follow my own desire.
Mr. Willy: You mean becoming a girl! Ballet Dancing is for girls, you FOOL!
Billy: I am also doing it for girls only sir!
Mr. Willy: WHAT!!!
Billy: I…I…mmm….I mean to prove it to them, that even boys can do it!
Mr. Willy: Boys are not meant for such delicacies, they were meant to be brave. Be a Man!
Billy: If I may ask! Why didn’t you indulge in this act of bravery, yourself! You have no right to play with my life. I can decide what’s best for me!
Mr. Willy: Don’t talk to me like that. I will fuck you up royally!
Billy: No Sir, Can’t allow you to do that either. I am Straight! Besides, if I may say so – you are not my type!
Mr. Willy: Don’t fuck my brain! What I said is final and nothing can change it!
Billy: I seriously doubt that sir. In my conversation with Mom, before coming to you, I was assured I can choose not to go to Army, if I don’t want to.
Mr. Willy: w…w…Well! In that case, my conversation with your mom allows me to inform you that you are not going for the Ballet Dancing classes either.
Billy: Which means we need to figure out a career that is mutually acceptable to both of us?
Mr. Willy: A profession that gives you lot of power and demands respect from the society… just like the army
Billy: Something where there is no risk to life. Something that still allows me to go to college. Something that pays well…as compared to army!
Mr. Willy: I guess there’s just one profession that fits the bill.
Billy: You mean a Police job?
Mr. Willy: Hmmm…
Billy: I am game for it!
Mr. Willy: Me too. So it’s decided – you are going to be a Cop.
You guys are such @#$%*&. Couldn’t you tell me I was going off-track! Now where was I? What was I talking about?
Yes! Billy’s daily saga. So we were in the Bar and Billy started…
Billy: I got the weirdest call today?
Me: Now, this should be interesting. You don’t usually use that term unless you are talking about your Don!
Billy: Yes! This one was worse than my Don!
Me: Am all ears!
Billy: So I get this call in the morning…
And then Billy narrated me one of the most dreadful telecon he had in his entire life?
It went like this…
Billy: Yes! Sanpada Police Station! How can you be helped?
Caller: Well, Good Morning! I thought I will give you a call!
Billy: That’s very kind of you, Sir. We usually feel quite bored in office! So it’s nice to have people like you calling. But may I know what is it regarding?
Caller: Well! I travel in local train daily. I saw this ad you put up there asking people to report anything suspicious to you immediately!
Billy: We had put up such message? How am I not aware of it?
Caller: Well, It says Mumbai Police! You urge people to – Be Alert and Be Safe!
Billy: Oh Ok! May be we have put it up so what? Everyone pastes Billboards in the local trains. So we did too. It is legally allowed to break that law!
Caller: No Sir, I am not blaming you for that. But that message has motivated me to fulfil my duty towards my mother…
Billy: So what happened to your mother! Was she killed? You doubt someone?
Caller: No! No!! No!!! My mother is very much alive and still kicking! I am talking about our motherland – the Great India.
Billy: ok! So what happened to that mother! Is she in trouble!
Caller: Well that she always been in, thanks to our political fraternity. But I am refereeing to the pre-meditated cold-blooded murder plan. I have reasons to believe that our motherland is in great trouble. I suspect terrorist activities brewing up in the vicinity.
Billy: You don’t need to bother about the terrorists! They are not that dangerous. They just bomb couple of places once in a while. It’s the politicians you should worry about! They suck the whole blood out of you! Terrorists just take a drop or two.
Caller: I wouldn’t have worried about the terrorists myself, considering they were working up some other part of the state. But now I think it is going to be our city.
Billy: What are you saying? Have you spotted them? Are there any girls amongst them? I have heard they are hiring girls too nowadays. It’s an upcoming career option – though short but highly lucrative.
Caller: I want call her a girl! She’s a woman!
Billy: Is she good?
Caller: Sir, mind it! You are talking about my wife.
Billy: Your what?…Wife, you said ???
Caller: I am suspicious about her activities. That’s why I called you! You said to report anything suspicious!
Billy: And why do you believe that she’s involved with terrorists! And since when have you known her.
Caller: I have known here since long. She was not like this before… But lately she is been hiding things from me. She is getting calls in the night when I am asleep. She goes to the other room to talk.
Billy: Wow! This is interesting! Have you spied on her? Do you have any proofs?
Caller: YES Sir! I had donned my spy hat on couple of occasions and I have enough proof that she is plotting something big. I think they are making a bomb!
Billy: Is It? How do you know that?
Caller: My wife is a chemistry teacher and the guy she meets is a Physics teacher. They meet often in the cafes. If they were discussing course-related topics, they would have met in the college itself. Why would they discuss stuff in cafes, parks and parking lots? Some times they don’t even come of their car. They do the discussion inside the car only. Am sure they are working out a bomb together.
Billy: But this still doesn’t prove that they are working on some Bomb…Rather this tells me that your wife is having an….
Caller: I am sure it’s a Bomb!
Billy: But Why?
Caller: Lately, my wife has been threatening me a lot. She’s been telling me – “Dick, don’t be such a pain in my ass or I will blow you up!” I have also spotted flight booking on her card. She is planning to flee away after the blast!
Billy: Hmmmm… You have got a point there.
Caller: Sir, for confidentiality reasons, I can’t tell you my name or location. But I tell you this. If my house blows up, it will also shatter the neighboring house! I don’t mind if Mehta’s house goes in the air, but then there are others who would be affected too. It is in your hands to save the city. Please do something!
Billy: But how will I work on this without a clue!
Caller: You are right! You will need a clue! Ok. How about I give you the other guys name, the Physics professor!
Billy: Hmmm. I think I can use that!
Caller: His name is Imraan Hashmi. He teaches at Modern College, Vashi. But Sir, I may need your support after this information. These people are too dangerous!
Billy: Don’t worry my sympathies are with you!
Caller: Thank you!
If self-help is about getting help from ourself then why is it that we go about asking the others for help?
I solemnly declare that this article has not been written under any pressure and that my girl friend is a very loving person and she has not forced or black-mailed me in any way to do this. I am writing this out of my own conscious decision (Whadda f**k!!!).
Read On!
Eve-teasing! Why do men indulge in it?
As girls you have come across this situation no matter how beautiful 
you are. At some point of time, you have all faced the over-generous-attention from the men’s race. I know the incident is very disturbing to you. And I do realize as men, we are not supposed to hurt you? There is nothing wrong on your part in expecting us to behave in a civilized way. But that is exactly where you miss the point. It’s practically impossible for us to behave in a civilized way.
It’s not our fault actually.
You know it happened because the Gods failed to do their job well. They were executing the evolutionary process for both men and women. For some weird reason, they chose to start with Women first. With Women, the process went well – i.e. they were successfully transmogrified from she-chimps to females. However, when it was men’s turn the gods, dozed off and the machine malfunctioned due the lack of their attention. As a result, the evolutionary process of poor male species was interrupted mid-way. Sadly, they couldn’t cross the bridge of transformation and that is the reason they still act like monkeys at time. You see, till date men are half-civilized chimps and half-uncivilized males. So their tendencies are understandably dumb-witted like chimps.
When they spot a nice chick, there is a tremendous amount of hyper-activity going on in their mind’s system, which is already cluttered with a galaxy full of gibberish thoughts. A sudden surge in the thought flow creates an gawky pressure on the men’s system. It is like running Maya software on Intel Pentium 1. The System is bound to go into hibernation. At this point, the chimp version of the male operating system takes charge and tries to handle the situation in the best possible ways known to chimps.
As chimps all they crave for is attention from the female species. However, incivility comes in the way of their communication and they end up left ridiculed, scorned and ignored. Frustrated by their desperation, they go to the extreme borders of their civic nature and more often than mentionable they tip over to the other side.
The groping, the rubbing, the legging are all ways, in which, the chimps convey their need for attention from their civilized counterparts. Occasionally, they even carry out certain stunts on two-wheelers and four-wheelers, but that happens in case of harebrained chimps only. In an ordinary chimp’s case, the act is restricted to doing some less risky, and supposed-to-be-stylish stunts within the area of your vision. Most chimps are content with this. And, If they are able to get a smile from you, their life’s purpose is served. Some weirdo’s however try to get closer and physical. Yet, these chimps are still not dangerous. They are just as scarred of you as you are of them. The moment you act strict, they tuck in their non-existing tail under their ass and run away.
And if you yell for help, in most cases, some older chimps whose system has not yet conked off after seeing you will definitely try to help you out of the situation. So you see these chimps are nasty but they are not hazardous, if you know how to handle them! And moreover, they don’t deserve your kicks and abuses. They deserve your sympathy!By showing your pity towards such ill-fated uncivilized males, you would be doing good to the whole Animality …I mean Humanity!
After all, animals don’t deserve hatred. If tamed they can serve as a good pet to you!
Strictly to be read by folks of my race:
Sorry guys!! Didn’t want to demean our race. But my girlfriend threatened to start on a non-cooperation movement. (You know what I mean?!)
Man has travelled far since Stone Age. And today he has reached the TechAge. This is where he has decided to rest. Now it seems the TechAge will loom over our existence till eternity such that TechAge may possibly influence our evolutionary process.
Music has become such a fad that the Headphone is growingly becoming an indispensable part of the ear. It is possible to see a person without a limb, but it is hard to find an ear without a Headphone plugged in. Statistics (St. Goofy’s Research Institute, Nagaland) say that today’s generation consider being deaf has the 2nd worst handicap. And with the launch of Video iPds, being blind has become the 3rd worst handicap. The first position still goes to – not owning a cell phone. Yes! You have heard it right! Not owning a cell phone or an ipod or other such gadgets is considered to be the biggest handicap of the century.
At this rate, it is not inconceivable that our ear will metamorphose to have its own in-built wireless headset. And may be there would a set of 15-20 tiny holes somewhere below the lower lips that would serve has a microphone. Above the right ear, there would be a tiny slot to insert mobile sim card, while above the left ear, there would be a slot for extra memory card.
An evolutionary development like this would help us in a huge way. First of all, our craze for those star wars creatures will be satisfied. We would ourselves have couple of new body parts. It’s good in a way. For several million ages, God has used the same template to manufacture human beings. A development like this would be a welcome change. And imagine the convenience. You would never have to worry about losing your cell phone, never have to fiddle with the tangled headsets and most importantly you would experience hands-free truly.
A couple of knobs at the back of the head wouldn’t hurt. You could just turn the knob and switch from media player to Radio FM. And while we are at it why not have a LCD display on the forehead. While the music is on, it can serve as a graphic equalizer and in case a call comes in the caller’s name is displayed in addition to the name being uttered in your ears.
And the eyes might as well serve as camera, 9 mega pixels each. You could just about record anything (Imagine! Anything!!) that you see and with the external memory card, download it to your computer and create your own movie.
It would be such a convenient life!
