A New Version of Me!

MyPersonality™   version 13.6.7

Overview
MyPersonality 13.6.7 brings you a heavily updated version of MySelf. With this release I can assure you a whole new level of experience in my company. This release contains couple of new features, few enhancements and certain bug fixes.

New Features
Complimentary Photo Session:
My recent alliance with digicam-owning colleagues allows me complete access to their cams anytime I want. Combining this with my near-professional photography skill, I can offer you a free photo session, provided you take me on the trip along with you and offer free lunch.  

The snaps get a complimentary hosting on my photoblog for one month, which has total viewer-ship of 613 unique visitors from worldwide.

Exhaustive Collection of Movies:
Thanks to high-speed internet connection at office, I have managed to build my very own library of super hit Hollywood flicks. I can share this with you for absolutely no cost. However, if you wish, you can offer a donation to ‘Buy-300GB-External-HardDrive’ fund.  Not that I am hinting at it, but you can do that out of your conscious decision, since it is obviously going to help you in return.

Enhancements
New range of Recipes:
In my bid to hone my cooking skill and master the fine art of cooking, I, after much research and experiments, have perfected making of the following dishes:
- Omelette Sandwich,
- Sandwich with Butter and Jam,
- Paneer Tikka Punjabi Pizza (provided the ‘read-to-cook’ pack is available), and
- Chicken Fry (provided the ‘read-to-cook’ Godrej RealGood pack is available).

Gifts:
Going with the trend, I have hiked the gift amount quota by whooping 100%. The previous gift quota of INR 249/- has been increased to INR 498/-. Which means now you can expect a gift from me anywhere within the range of INR 51/- to INR 498/-.

As for receiving gifts, I would like to state that I have no ego-issues if you wish to give me a gift of more generous amount. It is entirely your decision. I will value your sentiments more than my self-respect. Higher the gift amount, higher will be my valuation.

Bug Fixes
As it has been my constant endeavour to upgrade MyPersonality, I have been successful in eliminating certain bug accusations (though this has not been noticed in 100% cases) that was pointed out in the past.

General Knowledge:
Heeding to constant request, I have taken positive steps to increase my general knowledge on social issues. A key step in this direction was subscribing to MidDay mate … I mean, tabloid …MidDay tabloid. This holds a possibility, that in upcoming conversations I may not appear as lost and dumb-founded as I used to be before.  

However, to get the best of my general knowledge, it is important that we chat online. Quality Tests have shown that I perform extra-ordinarily well if I have access to Google.com.

Anger: 
Though this is still a disputable issue, I have worked on this front in order to respect your Freedom Of Speech. After, several days of self-evaluation and practicing Shakti Gawain’s patented Visualization technique, I have been able to strikingly reduce the instances of getting angry, from 98% of times to 94% of times, which I believe is now in an appreciate-able range.    

Known Issues
There are no known bugs in MyPersonality. If however, you have something to say in this regard, do drop me a line at begentle@criticism.com. I assure a fair consideration will be give to your pleas.

Contact Information
Information about the GoofySaint’s MyPersonality is available, for Family and Friends, from various online and printed sources. For more information, go to my web site at this URL: http://www.goofysaint.wordpress.com/    

As you know, I constantly strive to accommodate your evolving, and sometimes avid, requirements. I appreciate your suggestions and would request you to continue providing feedback on this release. I will continue to work to incorporate your feedback into the development process.

You can contact me at friendlychat@atyourplace.com for any queries and suggestions.
 
Disclaimer
No part of this document may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, for any purpose, without the express written permission of GoofySaint Inc.

Information furnished is believed to be accurate and reliable. However, I assume no responsibility for the consequences of use of such information or for any infringement of patents or other rights of third parties that may result from its use. No license is granted by implication or otherwise under any patent or patent rights of GoofySaint.

© 2007 GoofySaint Inc.  All rights reserved.

Report anything suspicious to Mumbai Police!

Being friends with a Police officer is not a desirable thing. And if you happen to be so, I would advice you to avoid them in the post-duty hours. It is when they actually expect to find a friend who could pay for their Beers, while uncomplainingly listening to their day’s saga. Throughout the day they take so much shit inside that end of the day they get this uncontrollable craving to fart on some one’s face.

My friend Billy used to do this to me! The cop job routine compelled him to meet me everyday. Not because I was good at listening, but I had deeper pockets. And cops have a way to find jerks with deeper pockets. So it was routine. We used to meet everyday and I used to be bogged down with inconceivable true stories…

I was the only source of solace to my friend. Or may be it was the Beer! But he used to find it comforting. He was not up for the job. It was never his cup of tea. 

He wanted to be a Ballet Dancer!

But he had a father, who like most fathers forced his son to do what he couldn’t do in his own life. Come to think of it, I find it absolutely ridiculous. This attitude of parents, that makes them think they are Gods!

They say this often – “I created you. I have the right to destroy you.”   

It is the same thing I don’t like about the psycho in the Heaven! He thinks the can play around with other people’s life! And now, his so called representatives on earth (who by the way are not democratically elected as representatives) behave the same way!

These parents just think they have the right to toy with their children’s life. So was the case with Billy’s father, Mr. Willy.

He wanted his son to join the Army. Now, who in the right mind would want to join Army? There’s no future in army. Rather your future is doomed. And for what, to protect a nation willingly disposing itself to neighbours. When we are allowing this to happen, why do we need the Army? To serve as Watchmen – so they could run and open the countries gate and let the neighbour’s battle tanks enter the LOC and salute them as they invade the nation.

Worst of all, you spend your entire life on discipline, learning thousand survival skills and one aimed bullet nullifies everything in a fraction of second.  

So me and Billy hated the army job for the reasons mentioned above. The fact that we would miss the college and the girls didn’t even cross our mind. We were just twelve then.

So one evening, in our favourite hangout place, Billy came to me and told me about his father’s unreasonable expectation. I did my best to do what friends were meant to do in such situation.

Billy: Guess What, My Don wants me to join Army?

Me: These Dons! They think we are puppets in their hands…

Billy: I told him I want to be Ballet Dancer! That’s when he lost his cool. Since I was within the reach of his slap, I was forced to keep my cool.

Me: I understand, at this stage we are financially dependant on them. We can’t openly revolt against them. They are supper powers and we are starving nations. They can take us out anytime. I think you need to handle this strategically.

Billy: But How?

Me: He wants you to be in Army, right?

Billy: Yes!

Me: Then we will do what the army does – Peace Negotiation!

Billy: What kinda negotiation.

Me: hmm… You my dear friend will have to give up on your dream, at least for couple of years till your Don is alive. This you will do to keep yourself alive, because Army is a one way route to death.  

Billy: So what should I do?

Me: Remember the mantra – Piss Him, but don’t get pissed yourself! Father’s become weak when they realize that their sons are not scared of them anymore. So even if you wet your pants, don’t let the fear reach your face. Hold it in your trouser itself.

Billy: hmm…

Me: …Stay adamant on learning Ballet and he will force you to join Army. Till he realises that he will have to compromise on the issue.

Billy: What if it doesn’t work?

Me: Pull out the Ace, the supreme power that rules over the super power!

Billy: Yeah, Mom!

Motivated, Billy went home to fight his life’s most crucial battle. At Home, India had lost another battle to Pakistan. Mr. Willy had all the more reason to be patriotic.

Billy: Sir, We need to talk?

Mr. Willy: No, I need to talk. You just listen. You are joining the army. And that’s final.

Billy: No Sir, I beg to differ. I can’t join the Army.

Mr. Willy: And why is that?

Billy: For the simple reason, Sir, if it was your desire – you should have joined. I will follow my own desire.

Mr. Willy: You mean becoming a girl! Ballet Dancing is for girls, you FOOL!

Billy: I am also doing it for girls only sir!

Mr. Willy: WHAT!!!

Billy: I…I…mmm….I mean to prove it to them, that even boys can do it!

Mr. Willy: Boys are not meant for such delicacies, they were meant to be brave. Be a Man!

Billy: If I may ask! Why didn’t you indulge in this act of bravery, yourself! You have no right to play with my life. I can decide what’s best for me!

Mr. Willy: Don’t talk to me like that. I will fuck you up royally!

Billy: No Sir, Can’t allow you to do that either. I am Straight! Besides, if I may say so – you are not my type!

Mr. Willy: Don’t fuck my brain! What I said is final and nothing can change it!

Billy: I seriously doubt that sir. In my conversation with Mom, before coming to you, I was assured I can choose not to go to Army, if I don’t want to.

Mr. Willy: w…w…Well! In that case, my conversation with your mom allows me to inform you that you are not going for the Ballet Dancing classes either.

Billy: Which means we need to figure out a career that is mutually acceptable to both of us?

Mr. Willy: A profession that gives you lot of power and demands respect from the society… just like the army

Billy: Something where there is no risk to life. Something that still allows me to go to college. Something that pays well…as compared to army!

Mr. Willy: I guess there’s just one profession that fits the bill.

Billy: You mean a Police job?

Mr. Willy: Hmmm…

Billy: I am game for it!

Mr. Willy: Me too. So it’s decided – you are going to be a Cop.

   

You guys are such @#$%*&. Couldn’t you tell me I was going off-track! Now where was I? What was I talking about?

Yes! Billy’s daily saga. So we were in the Bar and Billy started…

Billy: I got the weirdest call today?

Me: Now, this should be interesting. You don’t usually use that term unless you are talking about your Don!  

Billy: Yes! This one was worse than my Don!

Me: Am all ears!

Billy: So I get this call in the morning…

  

And then Billy narrated me one of the most dreadful telecon he had in his entire life?

It went like this…

Billy: Yes! Sanpada Police Station! How can you be helped?

Caller: Well, Good Morning! I thought I will give you a call!

Billy: That’s very kind of you, Sir. We usually feel quite bored in office! So it’s nice to have people like you calling. But may I know what is it regarding?

Caller: Well! I travel in local train daily. I saw this ad you put up there asking people to report anything suspicious to you immediately!

Billy: We had put up such message? How am I not aware of it?

Caller: Well, It says Mumbai Police! You urge people to – Be Alert and Be Safe!

Billy: Oh Ok! May be we have put it up so what? Everyone pastes Billboards in the local trains. So we did too. It is legally allowed to break that law!  

Caller: No Sir, I am not blaming you for that. But that message has motivated me to fulfil my duty towards my mother…

Billy: So what happened to your mother! Was she killed? You doubt someone?

Caller: No! No!! No!!! My mother is very much alive and still kicking! I am talking about our motherland – the Great India.

Billy: ok! So what happened to that mother! Is she in trouble!

Caller: Well that she always been in, thanks to our political fraternity. But I am refereeing to the pre-meditated cold-blooded murder plan. I have reasons to believe that our motherland is in great trouble. I suspect terrorist activities brewing up in the vicinity.

Billy: You don’t need to bother about the terrorists! They are not that dangerous. They just bomb couple of places once in a while. It’s the politicians you should worry about! They suck the whole blood out of you! Terrorists just take a drop or two. 

Caller: I wouldn’t have worried about the terrorists myself, considering they were working up some other part of the state. But now I think it is going to be our city.

Billy: What are you saying? Have you spotted them? Are there any girls amongst them? I have heard they are hiring girls too nowadays. It’s an upcoming career option – though short but highly lucrative. 

Caller: I want call her a girl! She’s a woman!
Billy: Is she good?
Caller: Sir, mind it! You are talking about my wife.
Billy: Your what?…Wife, you said ???
Caller: I am suspicious about her activities. That’s why I called you! You said to report anything suspicious!  
Billy: And why do you believe that she’s involved with terrorists! And since when have you known her.
Caller: I have known here since long. She was not like this before… But lately she is been hiding things from me. She is getting calls in the night when I am asleep. She goes to the other room to talk.
Billy: Wow! This is interesting! Have you spied on her? Do you have any proofs?
Caller: YES Sir! I had donned my spy hat on couple of occasions and I have enough proof that she is plotting something big. I think they are making a bomb!
Billy: Is It? How do you know that?
Caller: My wife is a chemistry teacher and the guy she meets is a Physics teacher. They meet often in the cafes. If they were discussing course-related topics, they would have met in the college itself. Why would they discuss stuff in cafes, parks and parking lots? Some times they don’t even come of their car. They do the discussion inside the car only. Am sure they are working out a bomb together.
Billy: But this still doesn’t prove that they are working on some Bomb…Rather this tells me that your wife is having an….
Caller: I am sure it’s a Bomb!
Billy: But Why?
Caller: Lately, my wife has been threatening me a lot. She’s been telling me – “Dick, don’t be such a pain in my ass or I will blow you up!” I have also spotted flight booking on her card. She is planning to flee away after the blast!
Billy: Hmmmm… You have got a point there.
Caller: Sir, for confidentiality reasons, I can’t tell you my name or location. But I tell you this. If my house blows up, it will also shatter the neighboring house! I don’t mind if Mehta’s house goes in the air, but then there are others who would be affected too. It is in your hands to save the city. Please do something!
Billy: But how will I work on this without a clue!  
Caller: You are right! You will need a clue! Ok. How about I give you the other guys name, the Physics professor!
Billy: Hmmm. I think I can use that!
Caller: His name is Imraan Hashmi. He teaches at Modern College, Vashi. But Sir, I may need your support after this information. These people are too dangerous!
Billy: Don’t worry my sympathies are with you!
Caller: Thank you!